COVID-19 DIARY - POST #2: "The Caliegia (Remake)" progress report, etc. (Day 33-104)

Saturday, April 18 (Day 33)

Sunday, April 19, 10:40 am

Huh.
Well, it seems I've gotten into a new habit: I go to write something in a post, start with the date and time, and then disappear and not write anything. I was going to write something yesterday but only got so far as, well... you know.

Anyway, here I am. So what? Yes, "so what" indeed.

[NOTE from November 19: Okay, I actually wrote THIS post before my last published post (POST #3), but I didn't realize I never posted POST #2! D'oh! So, here it is, out of order. Sorry!]

It's the third day of the three days off and I really didn't do much work on "The Caliegia" like I hoped. I finally sketched out some very rough character drawings of the title character, much to my unhappiness. The actual sketches are serviceable, but the Caliegia, the creature, makes no sense to me. It seems like an arbitrary combination of animals thrown together: a human torso and head, ram horns, large wings, a horse for the front part of the lower body, and the most mystifying animal element for me, the hindquarters and tail of a large lizard, or perhaps, dragon. All the parts seem unwieldy to me. I'm obviously being too literal or taking this whole thing too seriously, but I think it affects the way I approach drawing it. Ugh.
What-fucking-ever.
It is what it is.
Yes, I'm making changes left and right to the original story and characters, etc., and I'll be honest, I was set to alter the animal composition of the main character if I could come up with a suitable replacement for the dragon ass. But, in attempting to also maintain a "Greenland feel" for the creature, it seemed that viable candidates were mostly impractical because they were primarily sea creatures: walrus, whale, seal. The walrus was perhaps the most compatible in terms of size match-ups, but again, now we're dragging our ass around if the back is all walrus. Another possibility was a polar bear, which seemed interesting, except it's too small compared to a horse. Although, having said that, the dragon section I'm sort of basing it on a prehistoric phytosaur (yeah, I've never heard of that before until I started looking for Greenland beasts, current and prehistoric). 
Oh! But it just occurred to me, maybe there was an ancestor of the polar bear that was larger...?

And it seems there was! There's some possible fossil evidence of a "King Polar Bear" (although in Alaska, but... pfft!). And one site mentions that its elongated skull compared to current polar bears lends itself to some legendary (and modern) tales of the "weasel bear," a bear larger than a polar bear but most notably with a longer neck.

3:00 pm

I told my wife about my wrestling with these various beasts in the Caliegia's description, especially the giant lizard or dragon-ass component and that I just came across the King Polar Bear find, so that I'm going to make some changes. She said that sounds good! Although, she's amused by how hung up I am on this detail in a fantasy story.
That's a legitimate point.
I guess these details are subjective to either a creator or an audience in terms of whether they have issues with it or not with regards to believability. I actually have a tendency towards some unbelievable scenarios in my stories or plots, but once I have that idea or story, I usually try to work on making it (somewhat) believable. But, even that is flexible. Sometimes, genre allows you to get away with an explanation or very little (or no) exposition, because, sometimes an audience is willing to accept something simply because it's in a genre story. That seems lazy on some level, and sometimes it is. But sometimes, an audience doesn't care how something works in a film and will accept that it's there because of the genre. Like, I remember a locally made zombie film, and the opening ten minutes spent a lot of time setting up why this zombie outbreak was happening. At first it was cool and believable, but as more minutes went by and they were explaining more specifics about what happened, it occurred to me that it was overkill. The exposition was no longer interesting but simply keeping us from getting on with the story. We came to see a zombie movie, let's get on with the zombie film.
And, with that in mind, I think I'm committing the same storytelling crime.
ARGH.

Saturday, May 2, 11:28 am

Holy fucking shit. I'm more pathetic than I realized.
So, I re-read some of what I've written above to see where I last left off. My current schedule has been very consistent: three days working, with four days off, including three of those days off all in a row, Friday-Sunday. So last week, I didn't get ANYTHING done on my Caliegia story. Nothing. And I was really looking forward to having those three days off and accomplishing at least something on the story. I mean, hell, my original game plan was to have seven pages of the story done (or at least pencilled) by the end of April and here it is May 2. Holy crap.
But, what I didn't realize was it's been TWO weeks since I last worked on this post. I thought I had scribbled down some progress just last week. Ugh. Man, I simply SUCK.
Although, comparatively speaking, at least I'm keeping some kind of track of my "lack of progress." I mean, I think my usual approach is to do absolutely NOTHING. And have no idea of the passage of time and how I'm accomplishing nothing as said time flies by into oblivion. At least now, I'm keeping some sort of tab and I at least have some kind of anxiety of how every day I seem to be an utter waste. Yay! I'm winning!

In the Netflix documentary, DE PALMA, about, well, filmmaker Brian De Palma (by the way, I'm not sure if it's De Palma or DePalma or Depalma. In the film CARRIE, I think it's spelled Brian Depalma in the opening credits. Whatever) - a doc I've watched at least twice all the way through (most recently a couple weeks ago) and sections of it multiple times (a perk of using a streaming service) - towards the end, he says that a filmmaker's most productive part of his career is in his 30s, 40s and 50s. He uses Hitchcock as an example, saying people mostly talk about his films from that period of his life, not so much his later films. Great. I'm 60. I pissed away my 30s 40s and 50s. Oh, well.
Seriously, there's nothing I can do about it except eat that fact and move on.
Fuck, I kind of blew off my 20s, too. Except for the couple years I worked on the Buffalo State College RECORD.
Anyway, I bring this up because, man, working on this Caliegia story has been like pulling nails. I'm second guessing all my creative choices, and I'm not convinced I can pull off drawing ANY of my ideas, and I say that because I hate all my drawings so far. No, that's not true. I didn't like my original versions of Vampirella introducing the story, but then I think I got a serviceable version of her body. So, progress is there. It's just very slow.
The solution of course, is to JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND KEEP FORCING MYSELF TO MAKE PROGRESS, even teensy bits, because even something that's barely progress is mathematically more than zero.
Sorry. Yet another desperate "self pep talk," again.

12:10 pm

Well, I'm on hold with our bank as I try to take care of some stupid stuff. I have, like, a 10-minute estimated wait. And I'm making typos like a muther as I try to type while holding this phone against my ear with shoulder. Grrr...

Yeah, I'm in a seriously depressed state re: this damn Caliegia story. I don't like any of my writing, I don't like any attempts I've done trying to draw the Caliegia character herself. HEAVY SIGH.

Some of my self-doubts are about my attempts to re-write the story. I think I'm just incredibly long-winded, plus, I'm no longer convinced that the so-called "character development" I'm attempting to do between Yura (my name versus writer Nicola Cuti's original, "Djii") - the Caliegia herself - and the hunter, Toklo (versus "Vjor") is developing anything. As I read my dialogue efforts back, I think I'm just having them blab at each other inanely (insert yet another groan).
So, suppose what De Palma says is correct. I blew it. Whatever amazing creative potential I had, it was in the past, and now the past is gone, so suck it up, Kimmel, and enjoy your miserable existence.
Also, if creativity comes from the equivalent of some physical muscle, I believe that muscle would not be my drawing arm, but actually a part of my brain, a muscle that considers how to translate an actual object or subject into pencil and ink lines on the paper so that it looks like said object on the paper to any reader. And if the brain is a muscle, then, like other muscles of the body, it needs to exercise to stay in good working order, especially now that I've hit a certain age (i.e. 60). So, whether I like it or not, this Caliegia story really is, foremost, an exercise. I think any comic story I produce this year is merely an exercise, a step in working-out my creative muscle(s) and trying to get back into drawing (and inking) shape and beyond whatever storytelling shape I was in during my "prime," and by that, I mean my prime age-wise. That goal, of course, could be out of my grasp, but we'll never know. Even if I don't attain a certain excellence in my art that I would have had years ago, I can at least create some artwork and add it to my output rather than have nothing (or pretty damn close to nothing for an "artist" my age).
I guess that was another "self pep talk." I'm not sure how positively motivating it was, but eh! What are you gonna do?

Meanwhile, in my recent obsession with reading underground comics from the 60s and 70s, I now want to read more Rand Holmes after picking up Harold Hedd #2 on eBay. I may get this $35 book on Holmes from Fantagraphics Books. It reprints the Harold Hedd stories, I believe, plus a number of other underground tales he did. Reading HH #2, I was struck by Holmes' artwork as well as the topical subject matter (smoking pot, homosexuality, smuggling marijuana across international borders, etc.), and it made me think of how mundane and nonsensical my ideas for comics are. My comics seem to be about nothing. Probably because I have nothing to say. Another area that needs to be improved, if possible.
Alright, enough of this babbling bullshit. I'm going to put some laundry in the wash and then try to do some work on Caliegia.
Later.

Sunday, May 3, 12:40 pm

Oh, great. I've misplaced my camera. What the hell...

Friday, May 8, 11:23 am

THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY!
More specifically, THANK GOD I HAVE THREE DAYS OFF!!

In addition, last night in my bumblings along the internet, I came across a current fine arts painter named Roberto Ferri and looking at his work has rejuvenated my enthusiasm for working on THE CALIEGIA.

3:00 pm

Meanwhile, I HAVE found my camera. Yay!
I've also been itching to buy more books/comics on-line. I wanted to get some more collected Wally Wood material, but some of that stuff is out of print, or excessively expensive because it's out of print, or it's available digitally (Kindle, etc.), a path I'm not really interested in going down if I don't have to.
Oh, but I'm going to spend more money, don't you worry! I'm just going to have to do some more research as to what to spend that money on...
Meanwhile, yesterday, I received my limited edition copy of Jan Strnad and Richard Corben's MUTANT WORLD and SON OF MUTANT WORLD.

3:43 pm

Ugh, my brain is all over the place.
I have to buckle down and get something accomplished.
I just have to do some drawing today. SOME thing. It's turned into this insurmountable proposition. I can't seem to do anything I like, but maybe I have to just crap out a bunch of hideous work and finally get to the good stuff in the process. For instance, this is a drawing I did a couple weeks ago. I don't like it, especially the face (not to mention, now that I look at it more, the eyes are crooked-- the right eye is slightly higher than it should be. Grrrr!). But, I did discover I liked the effect of covering up one of her Yura's breasts with her hair. I thought it increased the erotic quality of the image. And the drawing itself isn't too bad, kinda-sorta. I'm just fussy.
Grrrr..!

Oh, and though I didn't elaborate on it much in the drawing, the bottom of her IS supposed to be a horse.

Sunday, May 10, 8:30 pm

Holy crap! This is, like, going to be the FOURTH three-day weekend in a row that's gone by that I haven't really moved forward on this damn story!
I have to puke out something tonight.
If it sucks, then I have to work on fixing it, but even something shitty is better than a page absolutely BLANK.
ARGHHH!

Thursday, May 21, 9:06 am

Today's Thursday. I'm starting a four day weekend. Usually I work Thursdays, but I switched shifts with another guy this week to have today off. Something going on today with my wife at her work and I'm busy being the spouse. We'll be practicing social distancing-- oh, yeah, that's still going on.
Anyway, so I'm starting my SIXTH multiple day weekend. There's also ELEVEN DAYS left in the month. I really have very little to show progress-wise on this freaking comic book story. Part of me is thinking I have eleven days to do some significant progress or else, I should just throw in the towel and decide to do something else with my life.
But, I have to do some other crap with regards to this event with my wife. So, later!

Friday, May 22, 11:48 am

Okay, I have some catching up re: yesterday but now we're planning on getting some gardening crap done and I'm planning on being the dutiful spouse. In other words, gardening is not my bag. Which means I have to get dressed and clean out my car's trunk to make room for soil, etc., because my wife's car is getting inspected and also an oil change and maybe some other work done today. Ughh...
But, yesterday turned out pretty good!

2:17 pm

Well, I guess I'm having another productive day, although, not in regards of drawing. I've been doing house chores, including cutting the freaking grass yesterday (which turned out to be herculean task due to the ground still being wet and the lawn tractor's battery being low on power). Today I've finally tried cleaning out my car trunk, which turned out to be an archeological dig. Found lots of my CDs back there, though!

Sunday, June 28, 3;11 am

Wow. It's been over a month since I last updated this post. Well, what else is new?
So, I'm going to wrap this post up and move on because there have been some developments in my life and the world, and like my dad has often said and I often quote him saying it, "Time waits for no man."
In terms of my life, my best friend Steve has returned to Facebook. I don't know how long this will last, but he's back and that's not a bad thing at all. He doesn't spend much time on FB, I don't think, but he has been dropping comments on my FB page. Especially when I'm posting my typical cat GIFs that I've found on the internet. And his comments have been about me wasting time on the internet when I could be drawing the comic book story he wrote for me to draw back in, like, 1984 (literally).
I'm not really sure about the exact year, but it was definitely in the mid to early 80s.
I can't remember if I asked him to write me a story to draw or he did it spontaneously and sent it to me, but either way, he wrote me this horror story. It's called "The Cat's Meow" and it's very "The Tell-tale Heart" in spirit. To the best of my recollection, I started working on this story three different times (at least), the first two attempts yielding almost a full first page pencilled, but two different approaches. One exhibited my fascination with manga at the time as I utilized speed or action lines in one of the panels. The other approach chose a more cinematic style (though studied), not so much in shot selection but as if I was using a tracking camera and moving from one destination to another.
The third time I tried to draw this script, I mostly concentrated on taking photos of my fellow employees as possible character models, but it never got to the drawing stage, or not much of one.
Anyway, cut to 2020: Steve's back on FB, dropping hints on where's this comic book story? And... I planned on getting to it, finally, this year, as a matter of fact, juts later. It was to be part of my first year as a sexagenarian and my late stages of pursuing some sort of art career, or at least, updating/improving my measly and outdated portfolio.
"The Caliegia" was going to be my first effort and this goofy fan art based on this local cosplayer was going to be this other one. And then, maybe I 'd start "The Cat's Meow" except, I'd have to find the script first, and I'm pretty sure I have it... somewhere in this basement...
But, that initial strategy has all been scrapped and now "The Cat's Meow" has taken my primary attention, more or less. I've been talking to Steve about me actually doing this fucking story for once and how I had to track down the script first, but he miraculously located the script first and e-mailed me a copy.
So, Step One, I have the script again!
Step Two: well, draw the damn thing.
I think my actual Step Two is rough out the entirety of the story first. I really have no clue how many pages this thing is going to be, and I think it would help if I knew that. Plus, laying out the damn story, even roughly, would be a huge accomplishment for me.

Meanwhile, in the world at large, other things have been transpiring. New York State is slowly trying to open back up... we're at Stage Four, or maybe Three, I don't really know. but, people are going back to work and the general public is starting to do things like eat out again. Meanwhile, some people feel like their rights are being infringed upon if they have to wear a mask out in public. Some people have just been acting like things are back to normal in terms of social interaction and that's a cause of some disagreements, another topic of draw-the-line bickering on Facebook, Twitter, etc. Meanwhile, on May 25, in Minneapolis, Minnesota, four policemen were arresting a black man named George Floyd, and as they were arresting him, they put him to the ground and one officer kneeled on the back of his neck. Whether you feel it was or wasn't a proper use of force, the real issue is the officer stayed on his neck for 8 minutes and 46 seconds and Floyd eventually died of suffocation, despite his cries of being unable to breathe and despite the fact that three other officers were present witnessing this.
This led to public backlash and the slogan "Black Lives Matter" was in the news again and protests erupted nationwide. Except this time the protests became a persistent rallying cry and even now there are some protests still persisting. So, this has been going on.
Finally, just this week, a local film and theater actor passed away after being in ill health for a while. His name was Michael O'Hear and we knew each other through the WNY film community circles, and prior to his death, he had been in the hospital and there was a GoFundMe going on to raise money for his medical expenses. I knew he was in bad health, but 72 hours before he died, I thought he was on the road to some sort of recovery in a sub-acute care facility. And then, suddenly he was dead. He had taken a turn for the worse and I didn't realize it until he was gone. Michael is the fourth person I know who has died since the whole social distancing started. 

Sue K. (her maiden name) who I knew when I was going to Buff State, died suddenly while taking out the garbage of all things (she lived in another state). Apparently she collapsed in her driveway. If I understand correctly from her brother, because of Covid, we'll never really know why she died so abruptly and her death was ruled due to natural causes. 

Another friend, R., succumbed to cancer after having beaten it for several years. Sadly, the cancer had resurfaced in recent months. 

Also, the brother of my sister-in-law passed away as well. Because of the Covid lockdown going on across the country, all of these people didn't and won't have the usual send-off with friends and loved ones we usually expect since we now have to live by social distancing restrictions. Michael's death was the most prominent example because a large number of friends have been mourning his passing the last several days and they'll have to wait for some kind of memorial in the future when it's deemed safe to do so, I'm assuming, hoping.

I'm NOT saying we shouldn't be social distancing nor that we shouldn't be wearing masks. I'm not saying that at all.
I've been very fortunate so far with regards to health and also being able to work, so to a certain extent, I've been blessed considering the fact that a lot of actual shit's been going on.
And I've been feeling very mortal lately.
On a superficial level, I just need to motivate my ass and get some shit done before it's my time to go...

COVID-19 DIARY - POST #3: : A blast from the past, "The Cat's Meow". Attempt #4 (and hopefully the final, successful attempt..?) (Day 109-248)

July 3, 2020 (Day 109 since the social isolation started) 10:20 am

Yesterday I got paid and for some reason, it seemed like a smaller paycheck than usual. But, I just checked it, and no, it's correct.
I just don't make a lot of money working roughly 24 hours a week at a rate that's less than a dollar more than the NY State minimum wage. But, I also don't really want to work more hours. What I NEED to do is try to focus more on earning money as a freelance artist in the hours i'm not working my regular job.
That's a GOAL, yo.
Meanwhile, yeah. I'm also trying to finally finish The Cat's Meow, the comic story that my best friend Steve D'Addieco wrote for me to illustrate back in... 1984, I think (cripes).

4:34 pm

Oh, man. It's already 4:30???

I'm really not very focused today. I've done a couple productive things, but nothing big and I accomplished those tasks in spite of myself. I'm just meandering through the day, I'm not very focused.
One of the stupid habits I've gotten into is realizing there are some tasks I have to do, prioritizing them, and then... not wanting to do it, But then I don't do anything else because I feel I should do this prioritized thing FIRST. Except I don't wanna. So, I don't and don't do anything else either, etc., etc., fucking etc.
Maybe simply articulating this idiocy will motivate me to get off of my ass and get it over with.
God, I'm stupid.

Meanwhile, in this First Year As A Sexagenarian, I'm hoping to rediscover the impulsive energy I had when I was a twenty year-old, just plunging into projects rather recklessly without much forethought, although this time around, actually following through on them. Self-analytically speaking I think I've gotten more hesitant over the years due to second-guessing myself out of perfectionism AND self-doubt and then, also realizing I tend to procrastinate so being self-aware of this performance weakness ironically sabotages my self-confidence as well (as opposed to informing my self-knowledge and attacking this weakness head on).
Whatever. If I am at all going to get things done, I just have to get through these mental obstacles and self-handcuffing practices.
I have to. I HAVE TO.

Friday, July 17 10:54 am

Yesterday was Thursday, and I actually remembered to post something on Facebook re: #ThrowbackThursday. I took a bunch of pictures from a sketchbook I was working on in 1979 and also some issues of the Buffalo State College RECORD from 1984, mostly. The sketchbook is from when I went to the Art Institute of Pittsburgh. The photos aren't the greatest (I don't know why part of it always seems out of focus). But I posted some of my self-portraits, also a drawing I did of a lion from the Buffalo Zoo. Some of the things I didn't post were other pencil figure studies from class, a couple other unfinished zoo sketches, my attempt at caricatures, and then some character design stuff I did later, like, after I came back home from Pittsburgh. The RECORD stuff was assorted cartoons and some spot illustrations. Maybe I'll actually get my ass over to Office Max and properly scan this artwork and re-post these, but for now, here's what I shared last night:

Thursday, November 19, 4:08 pm

Jeez, FOUR MONTHS LATER???

Okay, I need to wrap this post up, publish it, and move on.

Well, catching up a bit, but broadly:

My wife went back to school (she teaches at a private boys high school, juniors and seniors, AP and Honors English) in September but there were a number of new procedures they instituted. Of course, everybody is still wearing masks. The boys had these portable plexiglas foldable cubicle things that they put on the desk in front of them. I've never seen them. They either have only a front and one attached piece (so L-shaped) to keep it upright, or its 3-parts and opens up like a U, so the student has a wall on either side of him as he watches through the front piece, if this makes sense. I believe it's the latter, because that seems to make more sense. Unfortunately, they're not the most durable things. I guess some broke the first day as students accidentally dropped them. Duct tape has come into play to fix these things. After a few weeks, my wife eventually got some rolls of clear packing tape to offer kids who had busted "plastic walls/portable cubicles" (I'm not sure what they actually call them). 

In addition, the school's windows have been kept open to increase air circulation. Of course, it's now November and we're in Western New York, so things have been cold. Except for last week when we had a stretch of delightful unseasonably warm days (high 60s, even 70s!). I don't know how long they intend to keep doing that, but it may have be a moot point now since, as of yesterday, Governor Cuomo has returned Erie County us to Level Orange (from Level Yellow), so next week (11/26) the school starts teaching remotely again to all the students.

But, things have been at a more "relaxed" level for several weeks now. I can't remember when it started. End of summer? Earlier? Sorry, I'm bad at taking notes.

We haven't stopped wearing masks when we go out in public but slowly things have been getting more lax: people eating in restaurants, stores opening, etc. At the grocery store I work at, they had been leeping customers to one line and then peeling them off to the individual cashiers as away to monitor how many customers were in the store. That's stooped happening and returned to a more conventional, open method (people just getting in line at whatever cashier was open) but i don't if that will chaneg again now that we're back to Level Orange. I'll see tomorrow. As it is, yesterday we returend to spraying sanitizer ion the grocery carts we pull in. We had been doing that, then we stopped and left it up to the customer to use cart wipes. Also, we only sanitized the carts every two hours. The cart wipes were always available, it's just that us sanitizing the carts when we brought them in was another level of sanitizing. So, we're back to doing that.

And if they go back to watching how many people are in the store at the same time, well, that's going to be fun as we go into the weekend before Thanksgiving.

So... that's a bit of an update.

Oh, also, we had the election and a couple days after Election Day, since there were so many mail-in votes across the country, Biden was declared the winner but Trump wouldn't concede (the actual election day being Nov. 3, I think Biden was declared winner on Nov. 6). He still hasn't officially conceded, but there are now news stories saying:

“Do not expect him to concede,” one top aide said. More likely, the aide said, “he’ll say something like, ‘We can’t trust the results, but I’m not contesting them.’”

Another adviser said that after the legal battles and recounts, the closest the president is likely to get to a concession is, “he’ll acknowledge the results and that we’ll never know how accurate they are.”

“But we’re not there yet,” the adviser said.

(from NBC News, Nov. 11)

So, we'll see about that.

Anyway, I'm not sure when we actually stopped doing the lockdown thing over the summer. But, it's now 248 days since the original social isolation began. Things were loosened up a bit, but we're still dealing with Covid-19 as we go into the winter.

As for my attempts at trying get some drawing down, I'm still failing spectacularly at accomplishing anything. In late August and the beginning of September, I suddenly went back from working 24 hrs/wk starting in April to working 40 hrs/wk because they were short-handed as kids went back to school. But then they hired a new coordinator for our department and I was able to ease back a bit and I'm more working more like 32 hrs/wk. The additional 8 hours is great, actually, because I got into the habit of buying more stuff on-line this year, especially from eBay: underground comics, old paperback novels, etc.

Speaking of which, I have to stop my impulse shopping for a bit and start saving up for Christmas!

But, I'm digressing again!

I've impulsively started anew project this month: re-making this one-page comic story I did back in '82-'83 when I was working on the Buffalo State RECORD. My original intent was to do an 8-page remake of the original 1-page comic and to set Nov. 31 as my deadline, a specific response to my friend pam trying to write her script for her comic story as part of her Nanowrimo (National Novel Writing Month, natch!) challenge. 

So, that was my initial goal: re-do the 1-page story, "Karen's Dilemma!" as an 8-page story and finish it Nov. 31. I think i decided to do this Nov. 15, halfway through the month. Okay, I'm already behind, but still, since the original 1-page story was done in 11 hours to meet a newspaper deadline, I thought it was still do-able.

Of course, since I started thinking about this project, it's already going through some structural changes, but I'll leave that for my next post...

Although, I will say this: the (working) title for this 8-Page re-make comic story is, 2145 A.D.: THE PERTINACIOUS ODYSSEY OF STARLA SOLARO.

COVID-19 DIARY - POST #1: PORTRAIT OF A WANNA-BE ARTIST DURING COVID-19: #MyQuasiSelfIsolationCreativeDiary (Day 1-32)

Tuesday, March 17, 10:27 pm

Ah, nuts! Hang on. I was going to start this post, something I was thinking of earlier today, but i really should do a couple other things first before I wind up not doing them at all (What? NO.)(um... yes).
I'll be back.

Thursday, March 19, 9:57 pm

...Okay, it's two freaking days later, but here I am! Ta-daah!

Friday, March 20, 9:06 am

Okay, maybe three days later. Don't even ask. I think I'm just disorganized, distracted, and a bit tired. Mostly distracted and tired. BOY, am I glad I have two days off! For the last two days I've been obsessively preoccupied with a potential comic project ("potential" because, well, who knows if I'll ever follow through (am I right???) i.e. see my Stellara Ultranova obsession and where has that gotten me so far with concrete examples of drawing: NOWHERE, BUB.
Anyway, today's the first of two days off, so we'll see...

Backtracking quickly... episode (er, that is, daily life) recap:

The U.S and the world is currently dealing with this virus, first described as the Coronavirus, now more officially called Covid-19. Originating from China, it was first announced in December, 2019. Here's a timeline.
Wow, I just read this, to be honest. Most of my information regarding Covid-19 has been haphazard (because I don't regularly listen to the news - yes, I'm a willfully ignorant jerk), or anecdotal in the sense it's what my wife tells me who does follow the news more diligently, or what I hear or see at work (I'm still working 25-40 hours a week as Helping Hands Assistant (i.e. I pull grocery carts from the lot, etc.)) and how the current "social distancing" climate affects my grocery store, or what I sporadically get from Facebook and other internet sources (so, mostly memes and FB statuses).
My wife has been home from school working since Tuesday, March 17. She went in Monday (faculty and administration only, but the day before it was announced that schools would be closed) to learn what the policy and procedure was going to be re: teaching on-line from school.
When I drive to work, there's an electronic sign over the O-190 South just before the I-290 ramp and usually it informs drivers during the commute how many minutes until the I-990 or Downtown. AS of Wednesday, it's been saying "STOP THE SPREAD... SAVE LIVES... STAY HOME" Another version on the I-290 West (heading home) added, "#FlattenTheCurve".

Anyway, so many people are staying home from work and there's a general sense of a quarantine going on, or more officially, "self-isolation."  Because I'm still actively working, I don't completely embrace that feeling, except intellectually I do feel that an "opportunity" to focus on artwork, etc. is upon me. Hence... the subject of this post.

I'm arbitrarily choosing MARCH 16 as DAY ONE of this self-isolation because that was the first day it affected me: we cancelled Monday night's BM-VM meeting at the Screening room. Actually, over the weekend the Screening Room cancelled it's events until mid-April (for now, it may go longer). Because I'm still working, I needed to pick a date that sort of applied to me in terms of the virus "directly" affecting me, so to speak, if that makes sense.

Which brings me up-to-date enough to get into my...
QUASI-SELF ISOLATION CREATIVE DIARY.

My hope is to document my progress and also what's going on in the world around me re: this virus. So, there will definitely be a lot of bla bla bla, but I'm also hoping that there will also be images of artwork I've been doing. I guess we'll see, huh?
Anyway, I've recently discovered this local self-described "novice cosplayer" who did a cosplay of a character from a brand new comic, Canopus, and then made contact at Pulp 716 (N. Tonawanda division) with the comic's creator, Dave Chisolm, who stopped by at the store last month (I think) and was delighted at her enthusiastic support and made her a sketch based on one of her Canopus cosplay photos. I think that whole experience inspired me and then I started thinking of drawing/comic ideas with this cosplayer, mostly because of her Twitter account. As a sort of "tagline" for her account, she describes herself as a "shark fighter" (just to be silly, I'm assuming), but then that made me think of doing a drawing of her a shark fighter. And then, I started getting carried away (who, me? No!), and my impulsive drawing idea for a "fan-art" pin-up picture, soon morphed into a two-, no, actually, three-, aw, what the hell, a probably FOUR-page comic story that CONCLUDES on the so-called pin-up image as the last page of the story idea.
But, again, we'll see what this actually translates into in terms of physical artwork, dammit!
Because, part of me is also thinking I should finish something I've already started first, just to get this under my belt and out of the way. There's no real deadline here for the cosplayer project other than my own typical obsessive impulsiveness.
So, I'm going to do that.
Thus, we have this:

I did this drawing (as part of a Drink and Draw night... alas!) way back in January 2016.

Sorry for the REALLY crappy quality of the picture. I bring this drawing up because Pam (from the Apple Corps Comic Book Club) recently talked about something called "Work-in-Progress Wednesdays" and I thought the concept was good, i.e. using the day as a gauge to see how we're progressing on certain projects. I chose five very old drawings I've started but never finished. This Drink and Draw effort was one of them. So, this is my "something that I'm going to finish that I've already started" first project. And then, I think that will "give me permission" to start working more in earnest on the cosplayer project.

Meanwhile, to celebrate this first day off, I have some housecleaning/chores to address first (and breakfast!).

Stay tuned.

Tuesday, March 24, 9:41 pm

SELF-"ISOLATION": DAY EIGHT.

Friday, April 17, 9:59 pm

I guess I didn't have anything to say over three weeks ago...

SELF-"ISOLATION": DAY THIRTY-TWO.

And, boy, objectives have changed since then.

First, I haven't finished the above drawing, nor did I actually start working on it, other than thinking about it and giving this impulsively drawn character a name, Flauna Chamois (pronounce sham-WAH), and thinking it is a "concept character" now, for lack of a better name or label. Meaning, I was considering this might be the first in a series of "pin-up" style drawings of this character, and they all have a sort of advertising/fashion theme, the meanings of that to be further explored. This idea came about because I was thinking I'd give Flauna a coat to wear in THIS drawing, and I was going to make up some odd design. But, we'll see...

...because now I'm fixated on something else. Of course.

Two things, actually.

1: The COSPLAYER/SHARK-FIGHTER comic.

and

2. A totally OTHER project: THE CALIEGIA (REMAKE). I've actually started working on this project. I recently purchased the Dynamite comics "replica edition" of VAMPIRELLA #3, originally published by Warren Publishing back in the 60s. These replica editions are really cool! They reprint everything, not only the story content but also the original ads! So, these editions are a real nostalgic blast. Plus, it's an affordable way to check out these old stories. As much as I like the replica edition, the actual stories in this issue aren't that hot. You get a real sense of some of the cultural dynamics were at the time. They play up the female characters in these stories, the one big difference between CREEPY and EERIE magazines from VAMPIRELLA is the inclusion of a sexy female element in the stories, so not only the Vampirella character as a host who also stars in her own continuing storyline in the mag. But also, you see how these horror genre stories are at that time. Sometimes it seems all you need is to include some genre element to make the story serviceable. And sometimes the female element is blatantly exploited in the story. I'm not saying it as a criticism, but as an observation. Anyway, bla bla bla... so I bought this replica edition, and one of the stories sort of caught my eye, "The Caliegia," written by Nicola Cuti and drawn by Dick Piscopo, an artist I wasn't familiar with before. For some reason, I found the story and art to be lacking, and as is my tendency at times, I impulsively decided to re-do the story... okay, impulsively acting is a perpetual tendency of mine. The original impulse was to focus on the art, but then, as i re-read the story and started thinking about my re-make version, I started thinking about ways I'd do the story differently. So, I've started really investing the overhaul of this story. Here are some very preliminary behind-the-scenes peeks at my "progress": 

These are examples of my flailing about trying to draw and interpret a character, Vampirella, for the intro of the story, but also trying to figure out how to break down the first page of the story. The first image in my first attempt at drawing Vampi, but then I didn't like the pose. I also wasn't sure how my drawing would eventually fit in the space on the page, so I started drawing her on a different sheet of paper, figuring I could transfer it when I had a better idea of how much space it was going to take up.

Anyway, I'm a bit happier with how her body turned out, but I've been mostly preoccupied with the writing the last couple days, trying to figure out my takes on the main characters.

Meanwhile, here's a link to scans of the original story.

Alright, I'm going to end this and move on.

Here's my current game plan (and we'll see how long THIS strategy lasts..!): 

1. The original "Caliegia" story was 7 pages long. I originally decided I was going to keep my remake version to 7 pages as well. But then I started working on the story and writing it, and I knew within a day of making the 7-page limit that I was not going to keep to that restriction. But, I'm also aware of my compulsion to start projects and never finish them. So, I've revised my restriction to a deadline. I'll take as long as I want with the story page-wise (whatever that means), but I'm going to try and finish the first 7 pages by the end of April.

2. I'm also going to attempt to finish that SHARK-FIGHTER story before the end of April, too.

That seems like an over-stretch, though. Maybe I should at least aim for plotting and laying out the story. That also seems like a challenge (for me), but far more do-able than finishing the whole damn story.

STELLARA ULTRANOVA (Part 3): I STILL have no freaking clue what to do with this character...

Tuesday, December 31 (New Year's Eve), 4:43 am

Man, I fell asleep on the couch tonight and woke up like 45 minutes ago.
My dinner plate was still on the TV tray/table next to me, with some uneaten squash on it. There was also the bowl with what was left of my salad.
The heater was still on and I shut that off.
I finished drying some clothes that were in the dryer, then took those out and threw in the wet pants from the washer and started drying those.
Then, I've been on the computer surfing Facebook ever since.
Compelling lifestyle, huh?

Anyway, getting back to Stellara Ultranova.

5:21 am

I just re-read my last post on this whole concept. I also did a little editing on it, because, well, I could.
One of the things I shared in that post were my three basic inspirations for working on this idea and this was the third one:

I decided to do the poster/DVD cover for Beaver Alley Studios' film, A CHRISTMAS MONSTROSITY. It's due in less than 2 weeks and I haven't done actual shit on it, yet. Hmmm, typical. Meaning, with regards to Stellara Ultranova, this whole obsession I have with her has nothing to do with impulsive artistic inspiration, etc., but in reality, it's simply me avoiding working on the CHRISTMAS MONSTROSITY poster. AHA! J'Accuse, Kimmel!

With this in mind, a fourth reason is me avoiding working on my Apple Corps Comics (ACC) story that I hoped I would finish a year ago (January 2019).

11:05 am

And I just re-read that post from January 2019 and, well... wow.
Okay, a number of things. It's just interesting to see how I consistently have NO idea of what I'm doing when I'm coming up with an idea and how it keeps changing all the time. The original post was about a story called "Joyride" I was thinking about and then I bring up my ACC story and also, I discuss several ideas and characters for my funny animal concept for a comic series, TABLE SCRAPS. I'm all over the place. And I don't think I'm developing an idea... I'm just changing my mind a lot.
Which is par for the course, and that's fine, if that's my usual brainstorming method, but, I really need to supplement these verbal idea-spews with some actual drawing, even if they're only doodles.

Saturday, January 4, 2020, 3:09 am

Dammit, I really need to go to bed. I've been mostly on the internet for the last couple hours. Although, at least tonight, I've been unusually diligent (well, for me) in looking up various topics and questions in terms of research for possible ideas/plots/concepts for further developing Stellara Ultranova. One idea I have is calling this sci-fi comic DREGS and the main characters being Stellara and her two best friends, Eltron Gammastorm and Akidra Magnestar. Yeah, I know! Aren't all of these characters' names the corniest things you're ever read??? Ah, sue me!

Friday, January 17, 10:59 am

Yes. I'm still focusing, thinking about things that I have deemed are lower priority.
From a 2020 Art Goal perspective, these should be my Top 3:

1. My ACC story.
2. Overhauling my "portfolio."
3. Finishing the A CHRISTMAS MONSTROSITY poster.

Yes.
BUT, I still keep thinking about STELLARA ULTRANOVA aka DREGS.
YES YES YES. I know!

Well, I'll just say this by way of a brief update: I've now changed Stellara's friends' names to Fracas Magnestar and Akidra Gammastorm. The word "fracas" popped into my head the other day and I suddenly thought that might be a much more interesting name for Eltron than "Eltron," especially since my original name for him was Deltron, but there was already a famous Deltron in pop-culture so I altered it slightly, but then I thought the name became less interesting. Fracas is much better. Also, I switched Fracas' and Akidra's surnames because I'm thinking Akidra is more plugged into the emotion of anger, so this seemed a much more appropriate fit.

Friday, February 7, 3:51 pm

Yesterday, I think... (oh, who cares!) I started thinking about using the idea of the captivity narrative as basis for a possible template for plotting out a bunch of stories and timelines for my DREGS idea. My wife is the one who has a PhD, specifically researching the history of one woman, Susannah Johnson, who wrote her own account of her and her family being captured by the Abenaki Indians in August 1754 during the French and Indian War. My wife published a version of that narrative annotated with hundreds of historical footnotes. Anyway, before I met my wife, I didn't even realize there existed a literary genre called a captivity narrative, and Susannah Willard Johnson is a particularly fascinating subject in terms of the woman herself and also the many ways her family intersect the history of the time.
So, it occurred to me that perhaps a conscious effort to transplant the captivity narrative idea might be cool to my DREGS idea, except with a sci-fi leaning. Maybe.

Friday, March 20, 1:13 pm

Or maybe not, re: the captivity narrative angle. Ah, who knows! Certainly not me.
Anyway, an UPDATE 42 days after my last entry above.
So, the biggest thing that's happening to me is the World News: we're in the middle of a Covid-19 virus (aka Coronavirus aka Wuhan Virus) pandemic! Amy's been home from school since this past Tuesday (March 17, St. Patrick's Day). She's been preparing this week to teach on the internet next week. Schools are closed, the St. Patrick's Day parades locally and nationally were cancelled, and as of half an hour ago, NY State Governor Andrew Cuomo declared that 100% of businesses should be closed except for essential businesses. Yesterday, Cuomo declared 75% closed.
Yes, so this is a big change of narrative in terms of this individual post. However, being the single-minded artist I am (...Really? That's a bit much, dude...), the current state of self- and government-imposed "social isolation" is painting a perception of secluded isolation, namely, the perfect environment for CREATING ART. YES! And also doing household chores... dammit.
So, I'm specifically starting a series of posts intended to document my efforts to be more productive creatively during these unique and uncertain times, and my ideas, etc. for STELLARA ULTRANOVA won't be left out, by god! The first post is under the title "PORTRAIT OF A WANNA-BE ARTIST DURING COVID-19."

I have two specific Stellara ideas I'd like to do during this period. One is a pin-up, the other is a short, sort of quasi-stream-of-consciousness story that touches on various ideas I have for the concept that I'm just going to distill down into this one story, almost like a trailer or illustrated concept pitch for a series, for lack of a better description.
If I finish the pin-up or the first page of the story, I'll add it here as a graphic.

Having said that, I'm going to wrap this up and move on.
To be continued...

DRAWING BOARD DIARY #4: A CHRISTMAS MONSTROSITY (a work in progress)

Friday, December 13, 10:11 pm

Okay, I don't have time to really get into it, I'm just starting this post to document my progress. I'm working on the poster/DVD cover for Rhonda and Mark Parker's latest Beaver Alley Studios' film, A CHRISTMAS MONSTROSITY. Even though I knew about it and was formally asked to work on this back on November 20, I really didn't put anything on paper until... today. This morning. While I was AT Dunn Tire in Lockport waiting for my front and rear brakes to be installed and then my inspection to be done (which expired in November, by the way). And the deadline? YESTERDAY. December 12.
Yes. It's official. I'm a fuck-up. A FUCK-UP.
Anyway, whatever, I have to come up with some damn thing.
I'll be back. Oh, don't you worry..!

Saturday, December 14, 6:33 pm

So, I started my poster design yesterday morning at Dunn Tire. I was there at 8:30 and the estimated time for replacing front and rear brakes and doing my inspection was "a couple hours." So, I figured three to be safe.
So... I finally get out of there at... 1:30. I'm ready to head to Burger King or Wendy's and get some lunch. Except there's a rubbing noise in the front when I pull out of the parking lot. Fuckkkk.
So, I go back and it turns out that one of the brake pads was a little thicker then it should be so it was rubbing inside the rotor (er, the brake drum? Something brake-y.). An hour later, 2:30, they replace the brake pad and I'm finally out for good.
In that 6 hour period I didn't get much actual drawing done, but I did do some.
However between then and now i wound up ditching the original drawing and starting over. I like the basic composition but not how I drew Sid Blitzen's character. And I thought erasing what I had and re-drawing it on the same page would be messy, so I started from scratch. The original drawing was pretty sketchy, so it wasn't that big a loss, mostly psychological. Anyway, I started my re-draw and slowly started re-roughing in basic shapes and figures. Not a lot, though. And then we went out today to visit a friend visiting from out-of-town and then we went shopping at Whole Foods.
More or less that brings me up to date and to sum up:

    1. I have to really buckle down on this fucking poster. It was supposed to be DONE 2 days ago.
    2. I really need to finish this within the next 24 hours, which is, well, impossible.
    3. So, stop TYPING, Kimmel and start DRAWING!

(to be continued)

Sunday, December 15, 12:19 am

Well, I've been sort of drawing. Man, I wish I had more confidence in my "design"/composition. Part fo the reason I'm going so slow is because I AM slow, but part of it I'm unsure of what I'm doing. I wish I had better screen shots, I wish I had a better sense of what the film is like. Part fo me thinks it's an outrageous comedy, part of me thinks it's perhaps more horror than I realize because Rhonda (the director) wanted the poster to be kind of dark in spirit. So, I think the "tone" of the poster is throwing me. i don't think i have a tone, or what tone there is seems wrong, maybe?
Ugh, I have no time actually to debate this. I should just plow ahead and finish this damn thing and we'll see what happens.
And I have a LOT of drawing left to do yet.

Monday, December 16, 8:08 am

I'm still not done, but this was where I was up to in my progress yesterday at 11:30 am when I sent Rhonda a photo of what I had done so far, the first time she saw any of it since I started. Trying to finish it up today before work.

For the most part, she liked it. But, mostly she just wanted it done.
Today I have to be at work at 2:00 and then right after, I go to the December meeting of BM-VM at the Screening Room at 7:00 pm.
I'm going to try and finish the pencilling today beforeI go to work. At the very latest, finish it up tonight after the meeting. And then go ahead with inking it and then coloring it in with colored pencils. So, if I can get it all done, I'll try to get it Rhonda before work tomorrow, which would mean getting to her house in Lockport by 3:00 (I have to work at 4:00). Worst case scenario: I finish it Wednesday morning and give it to her then. I'm off Wednesday.
Okay, I'll be back.

Tuesday, December 17, 11:22 am

I told Rhonda I'd have this poster thing done by Wednesday. Hopefully I won't make a liar out of myself. This morning my initial game plan was to finish pencilling the design and then start inking it if I had time before I had to be at work (4:00 pm), but so farI've yet to sit down and draw. At one point I thought i'd be drawing by 8:00 am. Instead I ate breakfast, did some laundry (washing, folding yesterday's laundry and putting another load in as the first load dries), and some dishwashing. Shit, I gotta get this thing done! And then I received a text that tim at work wasn't feeling well and he was hoping I could come in at 2:00. Uh, no. But, I'll try to get there by 3;00. Actually, I may just leave at 2:00, stop at Country Max beforehand to get bird seed, then go to work. Shit. time always just... flies. Man, I really need to get better about my handling deadlines and managing my time in general.
Whatever. I'll be back.

11:44 am.

FUCK, there's NO way I'm going to have the pencilling done before I go, even if I didn't leave early for work. Whatever. I gotta just keep whacking away at the damn thing... Dammit.

Wednesday, December 18, 10:53 am

Man, yesterday was all distractions and ended with a lot of cart-pulling at work. I was too wiped to really do any drawing after work last night like I had hoped. Leaving almost 90 minutes after I was scheduled to leave didn't help either.
Anyway, I HAVE TO FINISH TODAY.
I still have penciling to do.
Hope to finish that in the next few hours.
We'll see..!

10:55 pm

Holy fucking shit. I'm STILL working on the pencilling.
I don't know if I am going to have it finished by tomorrow morning... and I really need to. CRAP.

Saturday, December 21, 1:54 pm

Okay! We're back! Howdy!
Cutting to the chase, I more or less finished. I did NOT quite finish what I had hoped to do, but as time ran out for me, I was able to finish it enough so that Rhonda and Mark could have the artwork and make their DVD covers for the DVDs in time for the film's premiere at the Screening Room on Saturday, December 21 aka.: TODAY.

Pencilling took freaking FOREVER. Here's where I was with the drawing at 3:55 am on Thursday morning. Yes, I told Rhonda I'd have it finished late Wednesday night (I figured it would be after midnight, and into early Thursday morning, at the very least). Shortly thereafter, I started inking.

STELLARA ULTRANOVA (Part 2): The Miserable Joy of Trying to Create a Comicbook Character

Sunday, December 1, 5:00 pm

So... okay.
It's another weekend where I have Saturday AND Sunday off. I feel somewhat guilty about having such a scheduling luxury, but it's not my fault. The only day of the week I request off is Saturdays and the rest of the week, work can do with me what they will, so I'll take the full weekend off gladly. Especially since it was freezing rain today and there was ice everywhere (PS. I work outside).
However, my wife and I decided to have a relaxing "reading" day and I really didn't do much reading, unless you count reading on the internet. Okay, I said that as a joke, but I could have done some reading for research, so there could be genuine reading via the internet that I could've done, but I mostly didn't.

Anyway, back to this relaxing "reading" day.
Yesterday we went to the zoo... and it was cold! It was good, but it was cold.
But, having a day with "nothing" ostensibly planned merely accelerates the amount of nothing I'm going to accomplish. I mean, I can't believe it's after 5:00 in the afternoon already!

Although, I did finally figure out how to get rid of these pop-up ads I've been having appear on my computer. Took some time to look up how to get rid of this program that appeared one day on my computer and has hung around ever since. So, yes, I actually did some productive research on the net to find out how to get rid of this adware/pop-up thing and I followed through and did it myself. Yay!

And finally, I decided I should try to write another post and attempt to make some kind of dent in my 50,000 words challenge for the year.

I was hoping to either write one or two posts, maybe work on my STELLARA ULTRANOVA idea, too. And by work, I mean, like, draw. I actually did some kind of drawing on the character last night just before going to bed. I started VERY late and wound up going to bed around 4:30 am. Jeez. But I did do some drawing.
As I mentioned in Part 1 (although I don't call it "Part 1"), I've been trying to figure out what to do with this stupid character (and I say "stupid" because she seems formless at this point in her "development"). At most, I have a name, a moderately serviceable and blatantly derivative name. And I know what my IMPULSIVE INSPIRATIONS are, or at least, what some of the obvious and early inspirations originally were:

1. "Emily," a glamour model whose photos and existence I happened to unexpectedly discover one day on the internet last week and she made such an immediate impression on me that I wanted to use her as a physical model for a comic book character.
2. And I wanted to set this character in the sci-fi/action genre. That's something I've been wanting to do for a while, but I just never got around to it. So, I guess seeing Emily was my sudden bolt of artistic inspiration to try and finally follow through on that impulse, to some degree.

That's about it. Since then, the more I think about it (and Stellara), my ideas keep changing and I'm filled with more self-doubt about the wisdom of my choices and abilities to pull her creation off successfully.

So, yeah, let me continue there, with my self-doubts and the decisions I'm making because of those self-doubts.

At the end of Part 1, I think I actually convinced myself that what I want to do is draw and create something that I like, that I would want to read. Hopefully, others will like it and would want to read it, too. There's a lot of presumption in those last two sentences, but I think my age is making me the most aware of such presumption and apparent arrogance. I think if I were in my 20s, I'd be more focused on trying to create the idea first. Yeah I need more of that youthful, ignorant impetuousness.
Meanwhile, dear reader, let me show you this really sketchy thing I did before I went to bed last night/this morning:

And a little closer...

Yeah, I know. Big whoop.
But, it's a start.
When I went to bed, the last thing that was filling my head was, well, a few things, but foremost was fashion. I'm trying to create a female sci-fi character and part of my desire to do this is a result of my male genes. So, the references I'm working with are from the focus of an adult who thinks like an adolescent, someone who likes the way Jane Fonda of BARBARELLA and Caroline Munro of STARCRASH looks. Basically, a hot babe with strange and revealing (and impractical) fashion choices. At the same time, I'm hoping some female readers would enjoy reading this supposed comic I'm creating, too. Yeah, in my mind I'm envisioning a Venn diagram in which two sets overlap. Set 1 = Quasi-Horny Male Sci-fi Geeks and Set 2 = Somewhat Discerning Female Sci-fi Geeks. My comic's imagined readership would be the overlapping areas. Unfortunately, I don't think the sets are willing to intersect, dammit! At least, not in this case.
Ah, well.
I guess I should try to work on appealing to Set 3: Me. Let's see if I can make a comic that I would enjoy.

Anyway, so in that drawing above I was trying to create some kind of outfit for her and I wasn't too thrilled with where I was going. I just have to keep whacking away at it. I don't really design costumes, so I'm entering the world of, well, Get-Ready-For-Me-And-My-Shitty-Designs. Part of me is hoping that as I try things out and I'll inevitably hate what I've come up with, but then I'll be able to articulate what I specifically don't like, and then I hope I can articulate why I don't like this and/or that and then, hopefully, be able to address those specific issues by coming up with ideas or drawing goals and strategies to improve these designs. Yeah. I hope.
In the same way, I need to just start drawing Stellara over and over again to be comfortable with how she looks, too. To just get comfortable with drawing the character, you know?

Which brings me to another concern. Getting back to E., there is no doubt that I definitely enjoy looking at her nude form and the few pictures I've seen of her clothed completely changes that dynamic. Well, duh! Of course. What I mean, though, is that in those pictures where she's dressed, she's still definitely attractive, but I wonder at MY abilities to make her just as attractive and interesting on the comic book page by drawing her clothed versus drawing her naked or nearly naked form. Of course, I'm presuming my drawing her character naked would be worth looking at in the first place, too. Oh, yeah, there's a lot of presumptions going on here. But seriously, I have a lot of doubts as to how well I can pull any of this enterprise off, no matter how low or high my standards and/or ambitions. I guess we're talking about the Jean Rollin Effect, a phenomenon, by the way, that only I refer to as the Jean Rollin Effect. Of the handful of European Horror/Genre/Exploitation directors I like or at least seem to drift to, Jean Rollin is one of them. He specializes in vampire films, but has done zombie films and other genre exercises, including porn, though under a pseudonym. Anyway, of the films I've seen, I like them and his best ones have a strange, even charming, fairy-tale fantasy quality to them. But I think it also helps (me, at least), that he often has nude, attractive women in them. That's the Jean Rollin Effect. The inclusion of nudity (specifically female nudity) ramps up the interest level in the viewer. I'm sure my interest in his films would decline significantly if he clothed his actresses more frequently in his films. So, getting back to Stellara, I'm wondering if the main attraction to this comic would be simply seeing Stellara scantily clad/nude most of the time. (sigh)

Meanwhile, thinking about the fashion aspect made me dwell on how inexperienced I am with that, so a wave of insecurity gripped me and I just went to bed somewhat miserable and wondering why I'm pursuing this venture in the first place.
And that's part of an ongoing intermittent discussion I've had with myself re: the appropriateness of tackling subjects I have no experience with. Speaking as a 59 year-old man, why try to create a comic book protagonist who's a young woman? It seems I'm inviting failure.
Having said that, at the same time I understand the criticism of writers and creators of a specific demographic (let's say, for example, white men) attempting to write characters outside of that demographic (let's say, women or any characters of color), but there are positive examples where that potential liability of inexperience has been replaced by the writer's imagination and ability to empathize and to do research, etc. I particularly remember the criticism Lena Dunham started to get for the HBO series she created, GIRLS, which received rave reviews prior to its debut and then critical backlash shortly afterwards. Specifically, as noted in this Fresh Air interview on NPR: "critics charging that the show is narcissistic, lacks racial diversity and showcases whiny, privileged millennials complaining about topics only relevant to whiny, privileged millennials." And Dunham countered the criticism by saying she wrote what she knew and she was reluctant to write of characters who lived and worked where she had no experience. Well, Dunham articulates this much better:

"I take that criticism very seriously. ... This show isn't supposed to feel exclusionary. It's supposed to feel honest, and it's supposed to feel true to many aspects of my experience."

"I wrote the first season primarily by myself, and I co-wrote a few episodes. But I am a half-Jew, half-WASP, and I wrote two Jews and two WASPs. Something I wanted to avoid was tokenism in casting." 

"I really wrote the show from a gut-level place, and each character was a piece of me or based on someone close to me."

"And this is a hard issue to speak to because all I want to do is sound sensitive and not say anything that will horrify anyone or make them feel more isolated, but I did write something that was super-specific to my experience, and I always want to avoid rendering an experience I can't speak to accurately."

I wish I could find the article I read years ago that was critical of GIRLS' lack of diversity, etc. I remember someone, a man (I believe) who commented on the article who dismissed Dunham's contention of wanting to write to something she knew of and he used one of the Marvel movies as an example of how people can write outside of their experiences successfully (because, obviously the Marvel filmmakers were not actual superheroes), so her response was essentially bullshit. He was using a superhero film as an obvious example of how it can be done, because obviously the real world doesn't have Iron-man and Captain America in it, so whoever was creating these movies successfully were writing outside of their area of experience. And I thought that was a cheap shot and poor example. Because in that example, we're talking about a fantasy film. We don't have real superheroes around to criticize the efforts of how non-superheroes attempt to depict their exploits. And that's a cheap argument to his cheap argument, but still, I think his example is actually a poor one, though it sounds clever at first.

Anyway, I understand Dunham's reluctance to try writing those characters (at least initially), but for her to be criticized for it after the fact (meaning after HBO okayed the idea pitched) seems incorrect to me.
Of course, this discussion is about half a dozen years old already, so this conversation has now moved onto other developments.
But...  bla bla bla... because: For whatever reason, I seem more interested in creating female characters. Most of my ideas are for female characters. Who knows why.
In my case, I guess I feel like creating another male fantasy.
Hell. Whatever. I should just try it and see what happens. Fuck.

Coincidentally, today I decided to check out episodes of ABSTRACT on Netflix to see if they had anything focusing on costume design, and to my delight, they did and it was someone I heard of, Ruth Carter, who won an Oscar for her work on BLACK PANTHER and who also did MY NAME IS DOLEMITE (which I haven't seen yet, but I really want to).
And it turns out that Carter's her first job doing costume design was in college. She actually auditioned to act in a show and didn't get it and they asked her if she'd be interested in doing the costumes despite her having zero experience at it. So, she wound up learning on the job. And after that, she then wound up being the costume designer in further college plays.
So, she more or less blundered into the field and tried her best while learning on the job, and built on her early success and experience. That's pretty much how it goes, I guess. Yay! And FUCK.
What the hell is my problem, though? It's not like I CAN'T draw. I mean, unequivocally I CAN DRAW. Having said that, boy, is there mucho room for improvement in my drawing. And again, the way to improve is to just keep drawing, over and over again.
FUCKKKK.

Man, these pep talks are getting to me!
By the way, I like how I kind of muscled up (oh, so slightly) Stellara's arm in my sketch above.

Oh! Another source of encouragement is knowing that Adam Warren's EMPOWERED comic series (supposedly) began as commissioned sketches for a "damsel in distress" which then progressed to him doing some short stories in which Warren piece by piece developed the main character and also added her supporting cast and developed her universe.
In that spirit, I'm thinking of doing a short, non-sensical story to sort of "test drive" Stellara's character and some ideas. I thought I'd try a little scenario that required her to do some action poses, and I even checked out some Jack Kirby fight sequences for reference and inspiration.

Also, as I continue to contemplate Stellara's character/personality part of me wants her to be various things:
1. An ACTION HEROINE.
2. A SEXY character, although to what degree, I'm not sure. Like, to the extent of her occasional fashion choices and how revealing/form-fitting they are, and perhaps a pin-up style variant cover? Or perhaps make a point of emphasizing that element to the extent that the sexy aspect is bonafide eroticism with more graphic elements of sexuality and thus, the comic itself needs to be treated more like an underground comic, like a sci-fi version of Spain Rodriguez's BIG BITCH comix, or Heavy Metal's FAKK2.
3. And now, part of me wants her to be kind of GOOFY, ABSURDLY RIDICULOUS and UN-SEXY (at times) because I think a funny woman is incredibly attractive.

So, I'm considering a bunch of elements to deal with creatively and I have no idea how well they'll all work out in terms of my execution and in mixing together tonally and narratively.

OMG. Is it actually 1:30 am Monday morning?
I haven't been writing this post ALL day, but I kept coming back to it, adding to it and also editing it in stretches.
UGH. Okay, I'm done with this one! In my next installment of kvetching about Stellara Ultranova I hope to have more actual drawing involved.
Stay tuned!

PS. Oh, I suppose I should also add this crucial piece of information as part of my IMPULSIVE INSPIRATIONS list above:

3. I decided to do the poster/DVD cover for Beaver Alley Studios' film, A CHRISTMAS MONSTROSITY. It's due in less than 2 weeks and I haven't done actual shit on it, yet. Hmmm, typical. Meaning, with regards to Stellara Ultranaova, this whole obsession I have with her has nothing to do with impulsive artistic inspiration, etc., but in reality, it's simply me avoiding working on the CHRISTMAS MONSTROSITY poster. AHA! J'Accuse, Kimmel!

Oh, what to do with STELLARA ULTRANOVA?

Sunday, November 24,  11:14 am

So, as per usual, I've become obsessed with something and I've been turning it over and over in my head the last few days.
The initial obsession started when I "discovered" a new (for me) glamour model on the internet (she's apparently been around since 2013?). And yes, "glamour model" is a euphemistic way of saying I found some nude pictures of her. Anyway, she's rather amazing looking physically, and she triggered an almost immediate creative response from me (uh..., no seriously) to try and use her as the physical model for a sci-fi character named Stellara [pronounced Stell-LAHR-uh] Ultranova. For quite a while, I've been toying with the idea of creating a sci-fi character, and one that seemed full of possibilities was Anachronia Sands and her TIME COFFIN (the working title for a another comic idea). Hell, that's still an interesting idea.
But, now I have a new obsession.
Except, I can't figure out what kind of character I want Stellara Ultranova to be, besides resing in the broad genre of science-fiction. Part of me is thinking some kind of sci-fi/underground comix vibe, so something more off-beat and reckless than in a more mainstream approach. I had an idea for a one-off movie poster sometime ago parodying/referencing ONE MILLION YEARS B.C., except in this case it would be called ONE MILLION YEARS A.D. and then I thought maybe that basic concept might work as a series or at least a story for Ms. Ultranova. So I started spitballing some plot ideas and I considered Stellara's character being trapped as a soldier in this space war and a close female friend of hers waiting for Stellara back on Earth and that seemed like an interesting situation/character study, although in the version I ultimately came up with it became very downbeat and sentimental and I wasn't sure about that for thew overall tone of the story. I mean, my initial inspiration was very Barbarella and pulpy, and then this other idea with her and her friend, while still employing sci-fi tropes/concepts, etc. was ultimately very moody and character driven, almost a contemplation of loneliness and possibly PTSD for Stellara's soldier character. Genuinely interesting and worthwhile pursuing, but also a completely different and not light-hearted take on this character. Then I wondered if I could combine the two ideas, but... I don't know.
And then, just before I went to bed last night, I wondered about Stellara being an Edgar Rice Burroughs-type of character, but obviously a female-take on it. So, in other words, she'd be some unwitting Earthling sucked into a whole new sci-fi fantasy world and fighting to survive in a hostile, exotic and fantastic and most-likely scientifically implausible environment and culture and ultimately achieving great heights in terms of status, success and romance. That seemed like a promising imaginative journey and challenge to take. But, I don't know.
I don't now, I don't know, I DON'T KNOW!

nuts.

I should... just do some drawings of this character, by god. That would be a productive step and maybe seeing her fleshed out on the page might lead to some other more workable ideas.
Ugh. Okay. Whatever.

12:33 pm

So, curious about other sci-fi heroines out there, and somewhat self-conscious about how derivative my ideas are, I looked back on Travis Charest's SPACEGIRL strip. It seems that Charest's inspirations are less about the character and more about the spacecraft and tech of his fictional world. True, he does only a strip at a time for each "chapter" and by "strip" we're not even talking more than a single panel, let alone a whole page! So, you have to cut him some slack for that. But still, having said that, our first look at the Spacegirl character in the story is Chapter 2 and it's not much of a reveal of her. The next glimpse is pretty much a silhouette in Chapter 5 [UPDATE: Since I first published this post, the links to the SPACEGIRL comic no longer seem to work. Or at least, you can't go to a specific chapter. So, follow the first link (I updated it) to see the whole series and then find the individual "chapters" (actually, panels) from there. Sorry!]. We see her a few more times in the following chapters, but there are no close-ups. Again, Charest is being economical because essentially each chapter is a single rectangular panel, so there's some plot advancement he has to consider for each composition. Still, the first time we glimpse a new character, a very Emperor Ming-type villain, I'd say our first look at this villain reveals more of him than what we've seen of Spacegirl. So, I think that's fascinating. I mean, it's obvious that Charest's interests in what he wants to do with the strip are more focused on the sci-fi trappings, homages to the past, and space gear, which is fine. But, Spacegirl has no name and she seems disposable, a simple fill-in-the-blank to do whatever the story needs.
Meanwhile, another sci-fi fantasy heroine which I think is more successful in terms of her character grabbing your imagination right from the start is Julie/FAKK2 from Heavy Metal. Based on Julie Strain, an imposing physical presence to start with, and dressed up in a revealing "costume" and armed to the teeth and constantly brandishing her weapons with a snarl, you immediately get attitude from this character and a sense of where she's coming from mood-wise, without knowing anything about her or her situation. I'm hoping I can do that with Stellara's character.
Of course, another strong sci-fi character, although in films, is Ripley in the ALIEN film franchise as played by Sigourney Weaver. That's an inspiration.
Unlike Julie Strain, the model I've been looking at has none of Ms. Strain's personality in her photos. In fact, there are some photos where I think she's uncomfortable with the situation or at least distracted. She's very hit or miss. By the way, I've been hesitant to reveal her name for legal reasons, at the very least, but I should call her something, so I'll just give her first name, Emily. Even physically, sometimes she looks simply spectacular, and then sometimes, she looks awkward as to how she poses herself for the camera. Part of it has to do with her physicality. She's not only endowed, but she's also long-legged and broad-shouldered. In some poses it's quite an intoxicating blend; in other shots, it's somewhat amusing seeing how she carries herself. Sure, part of it is because of her specific circumstances, like trying to negotiate walking with high-heeled shoes in a grassy field, so she seems like an awkward fawn. Although some shots I think are part of a whole shooting day, so maybe they were never meant for public use, so I'm cutting her some slack for various goofy candid shots. But in some "keepers" she occasionally has a less engaged look, so again, she's hit or miss in terms of her attitude (or whatever you want to call it) in her pictures and how she regards the camera. Unlike another model named Emily, Emily Ratajkowski, who's also quite fetching. Ms. Ratajkowski, for instance, seems very consistent in her almost distant mood in all her photo shoots. So, with the Emily I've been scrutinizing, she seems less plugged into that blank, detached model stare that some models have (though, not in a bad way) and E. Ratajkowski definitely has (and definitely not in a bad way). But today I stumbled across some gifs of a photo shoot Emily was in and she's rather charming in very brief glimpses, so that's nice to see. Anyway, I digress.
By the way, the Barbarella character I mostly know by the Jane Fonda film. That film is also a possible influence on Stellara because I like the strong, weird fashion vibe of her character.

One of my (numerous) problems is my creative impulses are at odds with each other:
1. Foremost, I want to do something extremely pulpy, derivative and exploitative, like low-budget sci-fi trash cinema from the 80s. The ERB reference resonates here. Also, Fukitor by Jason Karns does, too, except not so disposable and coming across like a tossed off one-joke premise; so, in my case, I'd like to have much stronger character development and working of themes and plot.
2. Which ties into my other creative impulses, wanting to do something worth reading, so I'd like to have some character development, a reasonable plot, and not be completely exploitative. ARGGHH! I just need to try it out for a few pages, do my best and see what turns out.

Alright, I should get my ass motivated to do something constructive.
More to come... hopefully...